School violence is becoming frighteningly commonplace. The news is peppered with reports of malicious acts that have left scars on educational institutions across the country. Kids who once worried solely about final exams, science projects and acting cool, now carry lingering fears along with them to school. Many grown-ups, alarmed themselves by the very real possibility that a tragedy could happen here, are unsure how to ease the fears of children. Although the violence can’t simply be explained away; by understanding, listening, educating and empathizing, adults can help relieve some of the anxiety that now haunts many of our young people.

"In order to ease children’s minds, parents must first ease their own," said Tricia Tersigni, a counselor at West Jefferson Middle School in Conifer, Colorado. Tersigni, who counseled students at Columbine High School the day of the 1999 massacre, recommended parents call their child’s school and ask what is being done to keep the kids safe. "Parents have a right to ask the school principal questions like ‘How are teachers approaching this crisis?’ and ‘What advice are you giving teachers to share with the kids?’ " she said.

It is important to ensure teachers are giving students time to talk about upsetting incidents and making them aware of school safety precautions. Parents should also make sure their children know where and who to go to at school if they feel afraid.

When contacting the school, it’s also important to find out what effort is being made to help alienated pupils feel more accepted. Some districts offer "bully-proofing" programs to help keep harmony among students. Parents can have a say in what programs and services are offered at their school by becoming involved in a local student assistance program, school board or PTA group.

Should parents worry more if their child’s school is not equipped with metal detectors? Many experts think not. "My fear is our schools’ response [to the recent shootings] will be metal detectors," said Cathleen Palm, Director of Public Policy at the Pennsylvania Council of Children’s Services. "We have to be careful our schools don’t become like prisons or less of a welcoming environment," she cautioned.

Vincent Morello, Ph.D., a school certified psychologist, believes metal detectors are a poor substitute for constructive communication and sharing between children and adults. "The issue we are dealing with is one of children’s alienation, loneliness and powerlessness," he said. "Metal detectors never stopped a child from feeling that way."

It is impossible to make our children feel less afraid if we don’t know or understand what is upsetting them. Thus, it is imperative for families to communicate. Finding time for a serious conversation can be difficult, however, when trying to juggle several busy schedules. When there is time to talk, it’s not always easy to approach the subject that needs discussing. "Inviting your children to a conversation is a great thing, yet also a very scary thing," said Palm. "We have to continue to convince and encourage children to be open with the emotions that they have and that means we, as adults, have to be prepared to hear things we don’t want to hear from our children," she explained. Regardless of the topic of conversation, it is extremely important for children to understand that no matter what they say to you, they are loved.

How do you begin a meaningful conversation with a child? The best way is to give him an opportunity to communicate with you, rather than pushing him to talk. Eat dinner together or take a family walk. Really listen to what the child is saying.

One-on-one communication is also essential. Positive, individual attention from parents can ease fears and make children feel better about themselves. Parent-child activities like Scouting and Indian Guides are good ways to schedule quality time together.

Children of different ages have different responses to traumatic occurrences. Parents need to keep that in mind when discussing fears.

Many preschoolers and elementary students have not been spared from the pictures of bloody bodies broadcast on television or the rumors of bomb threats circulated at local schools. Parents should not just assume those awful images and ideas will simply be forgotten. Small children should be encouraged to draw pictures to help express the hurt and confusion they are feeling. Open-ended questions like, "Do you have questions for mommy?" or " Is there something you don’t understand?" can also lead to a constructive, heart-to-heart discussion between parent and child. "The hard thing with young kids is you have to be careful with what you share," warns Tersigni. "You don’t want to tell them more information than they truly need to know."

In the face of such frightful events, little children need complete reassurance. "I would tell elementary children their schools are safe, that it’s not going to happen here and that the adults are going to protect them," said Morello. "These children need to feel safe. They can’t learn if they are worried about whether they are going to survive through the day."

Young children who have heard scary stories about school violence may not feel comfortable being alone for a while. Parents need to be understanding of that, and should make it a point to hug, touch and hold their children often to help them feel secure.

With more mature children, come more complex worries. "For older kids, incidents like the one in Littleton are such huge events," said Tersigni, "We think the people that were there experienced trauma, but we all have and it could hit us later, so it’s important for parents to be aware of the signs of trauma." For adolescents, some typical signs include acting-out behaviors, low self-esteem and self-criticism, displaced anger and a preoccupation with themselves.

"With older kids, you can’t say ‘it won’t happen here,’ " she continued, "You’ve got to be honest, because it’s part of kids’ maturing to accept that it’s an imperfect world."

Although absolute reassurance isn’t an option with older kids, parents can still give some, along with a lot of empathy. Impress upon your kids that they are your top priority and let them know you understand how they feel. It is important to empathize with kids of junior high and high school age about how scary school violence is. Be understanding if your child is frightened about going to school. "Never tell the children they’re wrong to feel the way they are feeling," cautioned Morello. "They should always feel their feelings are completely rational and acceptable."

Young people must be reassured that despite incessant media coverage, incidents of school violence are rare, and that the chances of it happening in their school are extremely remote. Help them to understand that school faculty and administrators are very concerned about their safety and are going to do their very best to make sure such violence is unlikely to occur in their school.

It is wise for adults to encourage kids to talk about their concerns with school guidance counselors or teachers. Parents also need to set a good example for older children by showing that they are willing to be open with their own fears and anxieties. "Make it clear to your kids that you don’t understand [why the shootings happened] either, so they don’t put pressure on themselves to understand it," advised Palm.

Although the stories about recent school shootings will quickly fade from the media, they will long be branded on the minds of our children. During summer, thoughts may turn to happier things, but the topic of school violence needs to be re-discussed at back-to-school time. "Although it may be uncomfortable for parents to bring up the subject of death, it should not be avoided," said Tersigni. Parents should ask children if they are nervous about going back to school and discuss any lingering fears with them. In the fall, parents also have a right to call their child’s school again, to ask about any newly instituted safety procedures.

Gone are the days when school was just about reading, writing and arithmetic. Children are now faced with complex social issues and fears adults never dreamed of during their childhood years. We can’t always shelter our children from the real world, but if we take the time to listen, guide, understand, and make them feel loved, we can make their world a much less scary place to be.

Can we change the world?

Although we can’t make the recent incidents of school violence go away, we can do our best to ensure the kids in our community are confident, well-adjusted individuals who feel loved and respected. The most important way to do that is to spend quality time with children, whether you have kids of your own or not. "All of us — grandparents, people who have no children, teachers and parents alike must work together to make sure our kids feel welcome, respected and held accountable for their actions," said Cathleen Palm, Director of Public Policy at the Pennsylvania Council of Children’s Services.

Adults can also do their part by becoming involved in the activities of their school district. One good way to draw support from other community members is by initiating a monthly parent-to-parent night to discuss concerns and ideas. That sort of group can provide a multitude of benefits. "If we start a support group like this, it shows our children we can’t always do it on our own, so we’re going to support each other," Palm explained. "In the future, I think we’ll see a lot more kids starting their own opportunities for communication amongst themselves," she added.

Teachers, counselors and school administrators can help bolster student morale by encouraging children to be proactive at school. It is important to give kids an opportunity to express their emotions and feel they are helping make their school a good place to be. Some ways they can do that are by making posters, displaying symbolic ribbons, or by writing poems or letters to those affected by the recent school shootings. In order to eliminate feelings of hurt, contempt and alienation in their own school, students should be strongly encouraged to reach out to every student, and to learn to value and appreciate each person’s differences.