RISKY BUSINESS
of Advocating for Your Child

by Amy H. Morton, LMFT

Most parents realize that when they intervene with other adults who have some authority in their child’s life (like teachers, coaches or a best friend’s parent) they risk making these people uncomfortable or angry. Some parents seem ready to take on anyone and everyone over every minute detail of their child’s life, never letting anything slide and never allowing the child to learn to fend for himself. Others withdraw from all conflict and decline to fight even the critical battles. 

Parents who are frustrated with how their child is being treated in the classroom or on the ball field will often hesitate to take the adult in charge to task, fearing that their child will pay the price through some fom of retaliation. Though being an advocate for a child may require the wisdom of Solomon and the patience of Job, it is an essential part of parenting and a high wire every parent must learn to walk. There are several things that parents can do to make this difficult task easier and more beneficial to the child.

Know Your Rights

Before a parent can intervene appropriately, they must take the time to investigate and learn about the applicable regulations, policies or laws. However, there can be emergency situations where intervention is necessary immediately, and in these situations, parents must use common sense and good judgment. An example of such a situation would be the lack of use of appropriate safety equipment at a sporting event or team practice. 

In the school setting, there are many levels of "rules" that can impact your child. Ask about classroom rules during a conference early in the year. Additionally, all public school systems in Georgia are required to have a uniform Student Code of Conduct. In Bibb County, a copy of the Code of Conduct is provided to each student each year, and a copy is available on the Bibb County Public Schools web page ( http://www.mindspring.com/~rigole/bibbpage.htm ). Be sure to review this booklet before a problem occurs, and make sure that your child is aware of the rules. 

Finally, the Georgia Department of Education (http://www.doe.k12.ga.us/)

and the United States Department of Education ( http://www.ed.gov/ ) establish rules for how local school districts should handle certain matters. Generally, local boards of education have a great deal of freedom to decide how the schools in their district should be run, but there are some areas where the State or Federal Departments of Education set uniform standards. 

In addition to doing their own research, parents can often find nonprofit groups who are "experts" in certain areas. These groups often provide parents with information free of charge. 

Build Relationships

With your child, and his friends, teachers, coaches and other caretakers, it is important to take the time to build good relationships. Having a genuinely good relationship makes communication easier and problems easier to solve.

"That’s the way we’ve always done it" and "that’s just the rule" are classic responses that mark systemic problems. For example, female students not being granted equal access and equal funding for participation in athletics is a classic systemic problem in our schools. Chances are, if you are dealing with deeply embedded systemic problems, there will be other individuals or groups who are involved in the same struggle. Fighting "the system" can be exhausting and unproductive, and it is much easier to wage these wars in the context of a group. There is strength in numbers and networking with other parents is a great way to build a support system that can be there when other concerns arise.

Choose Your Battles Wisely

You cannot and should not fight every battle for your child, but there are some battles you must engage. When deciding whether or not to involve yourself in a particular situation follow these simple rules:

1) Resist the temptation to intervene between your child and his peer. Unless a safety issue is involved, your child will be better served if you allow him to handle his friends himself.

2) Consider your child’s age. Generally, older children are better able to fight their own battles. 

3) Consider your child’s special circumstances. If your child has specific special needs, like a speech or hearing deficit, a parent may have to provide support and advocacy around these issues.

4) Remember that your job is to teach your child to handle conflict himself. He will learn from your example, so be careful what you teach.

5) Be assertive, not aggressive. When trying to resolve a problem be assertive in stating your concerns and working toward a solution. Do not engage in blaming, manipulation or threats.

6) Ask your child how he feels about your becoming involved in a particular situation. 

7) Apply the "Gnats and Snakes" rule. Ask yourself whether the problem is a "gnat", an irritant that is not going to cause long term harm, or a "snake" a problem that, while not particularly irritating, can be lethal if not managed appropriately. 

8) Finally, be sure that your motive is solving the problem rather than anger or revenge. Put your child’s long term needs first, and try to put your feelings on the shelf. 

Conclusion 

According to Webster’s Dictionary, an advocate is one who pleads in another’s behalf. Every parent will find occasions to be an advocate for his or her child. Being an advocate does not mean arguing for what the child wants, but rather for what he needs. 

Sometimes even appropriate advocacy can earn a parent the label of "Difficult Parent" because getting people to do what they are supposed to do is not always easy. In these circumstances, make sure to try to mediate and problem solve before situations become adversarial. Helping children is usually a collaborative effort between all concerned. 

by Amy H. Morton, LMFT