A Father’s Role:  Nurturing Emotional Intelligence in Their Children

We’ve learned some amazing things about fathers recently. We discovered that having a loving and nurturing father is just as important for a child’s social and academic success as having a loving and nurturing mother.

      Research has shown that fathers who are active in the daily care of their infants have babies who are more socially responsive, and later, able to withstand stressful circumstances. Furthermore, it’s involved fathers who are responsible for higher levels of self-control and better social skills in school children.

      Most importantly, when children have emotionally involved fathers—that is, they have fathers who acknowledge their emotions and help them deal with bad emotions—these children tend to have better relationships with other children and behave less aggressively.

      In other words, it’s emotionally involved fathers who help children develop their emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is responsible for helping children to get along with others, to be able to monitor their own behavior, to stay calm when upset or angry, and to know how to successfully solve conflicts.

      And how do fathers do this? We think the answer lies in the way dads play with their kids.

      The best dads are those who engage in physical play with their children. In our recent book, The Fatherstyle Advantage, when we described fathers’ playactive style, we said that fathers are more physical and challenging in play with their kids. However, in addition to that, it’s the quality of a good dad’s emotions during play that makes a big difference in children’s social competence.

      When dads manage their own emotions in play, they teach their children how to deal with emotions, how to curb their anger, and how to be a good person and a good friend.

      A fathers’ play style, therefore, has very important benefits for children learning to control their aggression. During play, by modeling self-regulation and by responding to their children in controlled ways, fathers teach their kids to express their aggressive feelings in appropriate ways.

      You can foster emotional intelligence in your child by taking some of the following steps:

• Model empathic behavior. Children will imitate you if you treat your child with respect and are responsive to their needs.

• Insist on behavior that represents positive social skills. When you insist that your children treat others in positive ways, you’re also teaching such social skills as conflict resolution, anger management, making good choices, and caring about others.

• Set clear and strict guidelines for treating others with respect. Be clear and avoid being ambiguous about what you want and expect.

• During play, use physical, rough and tumble play. Physical play offers the opportunity for you to control your emotions and deal with the almost inevitable “too rough” play that results in calmness, caring, and limit-setting. This is essential for young children when they are learning to master their emotions and learning the rules of social interaction.

• Be willing to back up your guidelines with reprimands or punishment. Good fathers are willing to back up their rules and limits with consequences. They don’t feel as emotional or as conflicted about reprimands and punishments as mothers often do. You can learn from effective and involved fathers by being willing to enforce your rules, expectations and limits with effective and appropriate punishments.

—Kevin O’Shea and James Windell

The Fatherstyle Advantage: Surefire Techniques Every Parent Can Use to Raise Confident and Caring Kids (Stewart, Tabori & Chang). For more information about the book and the authors, additional parenting advice, and other helpful resources, please visits www.thefatherstyleadvantage.com.