These days, it is common place for parents to be
caring for aging parents who are no longer
self-sufficient.
When the time comes, you might
feel sad or angry―or both. You might feel
uncomfortable if he is suffering from uncontrolled
pain that you can’t fix. You might feel nervous
around the person, especially if he is having
trouble remembering important things or can no
longer take care of himself. You are definitely not
alone in these feelings. Many adult children
struggle with this situation. Then some adult
children feel they have no responsibility for their
parents and elude the responsibility entirely. I
don’t share that view.
Care of an elderly parent differs from person to
person, of course, and there's no way to predict
exactly how you will respond. If your expectations
are realistic, however, your experience will be much
less frightening and difficult. Be patient; remember
this is a frightening and stressful time for your
parent as well as for you. You can expect that this
time will be painful, but you can manage it if you
have a plan. You will have many things to take care
of unless your parent has been the exception and
laid plans for this period of life. Make lists.
There will be doctors' appointments, medications to
supervise, medical research if your parent's
diagnosis is not clear, treatment centers to choose,
bills to pay, decisions about where to live, and
finally, even funeral preparations to make.
My mother had to leave her beloved home in South
Georgia to live with us when she became ill with
undiagnosed non-Hodgkins lymphoma. My biggest regret
is that I did not push harder to get her to doctors
at a larger medical center to get a correct
diagnosis at the beginning. This treacherous disease
finally attacked my mother's spine, leaving her with
paralysis and excruciating pain. Because she was
allergic to morphine and codeine we had difficulty
managing her pain. Because the whole family is under
stress at these times, it's easy to limp along and
not press for answers. These days, it is common
place for parents to be caring for aging parents who
are no longer self-sufficient.
My advice to anyone facing the care of their parent
is to look the situation in the eye at whatever
stage you're in, and then take the steps necessary
to ensure as many quality days as possible for your
loved one. Yes, dying is as natural as life;
nonetheless, I still agree with Dylan Thomas: Rage,
rage against the dying of the light.h My mother
did.
Take care of yourself during this ordeal, too. You
can't help your parent if you become ill or
debilitated with depression. Take this time to make
sure that you don't leave any unfinished business
between yourself and your parent. Explore everything
that will give peace and closure to both of you.
Then you'll have no regrets!
